24 Short Snappy Funny Quotes
I was under the impression that bullsh*t came from bulls.
but after hearing you run your mouth
i realized i was mistaken.
Been misled.
At least they’re honest.
When i was a kid,
i wanted to be older…
this sh*t is not what i expected.
Can I return this?
I’m not always sarcastic.
sometimes i am sleeping.
See? Versatile.
I don’t try to be sexy,
sexy tries to be me.
And how.
Follows diet.
diet doesn’t follow back.
unfollows diet.
I tried, we just couldn’t make it work.
Scientists claim smiling can lengthen your life.
unless that smile belongs to a shark.
If then, swim as fast you can.
Maybe if we all sit extremely still
monday won’t be able to see us.
You can’t sit with us.
Never get into an argument with someone
who types faster than you.
They will keep up!
I’ve cut out sugar and carbs from my diet.
which means i’ve also cut out happiness.
Celery tastes like sadness.
My patience dies faster than my iphone battery.
And it’s gone!
Oh, fine, i’ll have just one bite.
narrator: she was, in fact going to have more than one bite.
she was about to eat the whole gd thing.
Only she knew.
No honey,
you’re not the reason i breathe.
ever heard about oxygen?
Newsflash.
I don’t like morning people or mornings or people.
Just a few things.
Yep.
I’m not sarcastic.
i’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.
It’s okay.
This isn’t an office.
it’s hell
with fluorescent lighting.
Good disguise though.
The hardest job in the world is having to listen
to you complain about having the hardest job in the world.
Yep..
Happily ever after is so once upon a time.
Where’s my prince with a huge student loan payment?
For my next trick, i’ll break my own heart by
exaggerating my place in other people’s lives.
Ta-da!
Hairdresser: do you like it?
me: yes thank you.
*goes home and cries*
Narrator: She did not like it.
Light travels faster than sound.
this is why some people appear bright until they speak.
-steven wright
Science.
Period: guess who’s back… back again…
me: ugh, can we not do this today?
period: i can come back in 9 months?
me: keep f*cking singing.
Do it your thing.
My body is a filter:
coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out.
Again, science.