22 Hilarious and Snarky Funny Quotes
Sometimes all you need is $500 Million.
Or just $1 million.
You can’t handle my level of country music addiction.
Oh no.
[5*(5*5)]+[(42*30)+345]
Yeah, I can DEFINITELY see how I can use this in life.
So useful.
That lazy moment when you start reading
someone’s Facebook post but realize it’s too long…
So you just press “LIKE”.
Like.
A wise man
once said nothing.
….
Body type: not terrible but definitely enjoys pasta.
Loves mac and cheese.
Not all goodbyes are sad.
Example: goodbye, school.
Unless you’re a parent.
Let’s be together forever
so we’ll never have to redownload Tinder.
Say goodbye to Tinder!
Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture.
-Mario Buatta
It is.
Someone sent me an email about using Vodka
for cleaning around the house…
It worked!
The more Vodka I drank,
the cleaner the house looked.
Magical!
Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.
Just moving it around..
Everyone wants to save the earth;
no one wants to help mom do the dishes.
They’re hard.
Childhood is like being drunk.
Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
But they tell you about it a lot.
When I was a kid
“talk to the hand”
was the best defense I had.
The only defense, honestly.
When I was younger,
I used to sing A B C D E F G H I J K ELEMENO P.
Wait I still do that.
That’s okay.
I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal,
you unfrosted weirdo.
Who doesn’t buy fun cereal!?
Today, I realized that the word “bed” actually looks like a bed.
Deep thoughts.
shin.bone /noun/:
A device used to find furniture in the dark.
Ouch. Yep.
Autocorrect
(n.) What drunk people use to sound sober,
and what sober people use to sound drunk.
Autocorrect has many uses.
I am 99% angel, but oh that 1%…
She’s the wild one.
Wearing all black today to mourn
the death of my motivation.
Here it lies.
I accidentally sent my husband
the kissy face emoji instead of the angry face
& now he thinks I like him.
Dang it!
Drink water.
Moisturize your skin.
Create a fake instagram
to follow his ex girlfriend’s private account
and love yourself.
Self-care.
Just because trash can be recycled doesn’t mean
your ex deserves another chance.
Standards.