24 Funny Sayings About Life

Me and my bed are perfect for each other,
but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

My day starts backwards…
i wake up tired and i go to bed wide awake.

The face you make
when you didn’t pay the electric bill.

I need a
huge amount of money.

Marriage:
when dating goes too far.

Exercise: some motivation required.

When people tell me “you’re going to regret that in the morning,”
i sleep in until noon because i’m a problem solver.

That feeling you get in your stomach
when you see him food…

I want
absolutely everybook, ever.

The best part about kale
is not eating it.

Surround yourself with tacos
not negativity.

You need only two tools in life:
wd-40 and duct tape.
if it doesn’t move and should, use wd-40
if it moves and shouldn’t, use duct tape.

It’s hard to find a friend who is:
95% talented
96% funny
98% loving
99% intelligent
and 100% sweet…
so don’t you dare…
lose me!!

There is no sunrise so beautiful
that it is worth waking me up to see it.
-mindy kaling

If love is blind,
why is lingerie so popular?
–dorothy parker

Monday
should be
optional.

I’m not worried about the nsa seeing my personal information
since i already post all of it on facebook.

I was offered sex today with a victoria’s secret model.
in exchange for that, i was supposed to advertise some kind
of bathroom cleaner on my facebook page.
of course i declined because i am a person of high moral
standards and strong will power.
just as strong as ajax, the incredibly strong bathroom cleanser.
now available in lemon scent and vanilla.

Today is the kind of day where i wash vodka came out of my shower.

If people were influenced by video games,
then the majority of facebook users would be farmers by now.

If i have learned one thing since joining facebook
it’s that i am not nearly as messed up as i thought i was!

I’ve got 99 bobby pins
but i can’t find one.

The only college friend you’ll have
for the rest of your life is sallie mae.

If only my teeth were as white as my legs.