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24 Short Snappy Funny Quotes

Short Snappy Funny Quotes  Bullsh*T

I was under the impression that bullsh*t came from bulls.
but after hearing you run your mouth
i realized i was mistaken.

Been misled.

Short Snappy Funny Quotes  Selfish

I am selfish, private, and easily bored.
will this be a problem?
neil gaiman

At least they’re honest.

Short Snappy Funny Quotes  Being Older

When i was a kid,
i wanted to be older…
this sh*t is not what i expected.

Can I return this?

Short Snappy Funny Quotes  Sarcasm

I’m not always sarcastic.
sometimes i am sleeping.

See? Versatile.

Short Snappy Funny Quotes  Sexy

I don’t try to be sexy,
sexy tries to be me.

And how.

Short Snappy Funny Quotes  Diet

Follows diet.
diet doesn’t follow back.
unfollows diet.

I tried, we just couldn’t make it work.

Short Snappy Funny Quotes  Smiling

Scientists claim smiling can lengthen your life.
unless that smile belongs to a shark.

If then, swim as fast you can.

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Short Snappy Funny Quotes  Monday

Maybe if we all sit extremely still
monday won’t be able to see us.

You can’t sit with us.

Short Snappy Funny Quotes  Argument

Never get into an argument with someone
who types faster than you.

They will keep up!

Short Snappy Funny Quotes  Sugar And Carbs

I’ve cut out sugar and carbs from my diet.
which means i’ve also cut out happiness.

Celery tastes like sadness.

Short Snappy Funny Quotes  Patience

My patience dies faster than my iphone battery.

And it’s gone!

Short Snappy Funny Quotes  Just One Bite

Oh, fine, i’ll have just one bite.
narrator: she was, in fact going to have more than one bite.
she was about to eat the whole gd thing.

Only she knew.

Short Snappy Funny Quote  Oxygen

No honey,
you’re not the reason i breathe.
ever heard about oxygen?


Short Snappy Funny Quote  Morning People

I don’t like morning people or mornings or people.

Just a few things.

Short Snappy Funny Quote  Don'T Care

Just because i don’t care doesn’t mean i don’t understand.
homer simpson


Short Snappy Quote  Sarcastic

I’m not sarcastic.
i’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

It’s okay.

Short Snappy Quotes  Hell

This isn’t an office.
it’s hell
with fluorescent lighting.

Good disguise though.

Short Snappy Quote  Hardest Job

The hardest job in the world is having to listen
to you complain about having the hardest job in the world.


Short Snappy Quote  Happily Ever After

Happily ever after is so once upon a time.

Where’s my prince with a huge student loan payment?

Short Funny Quotes  Next Trick

For my next trick, i’ll break my own heart by
exaggerating my place in other people’s lives.


Short Snappy Quote  Hairdo

Hairdresser: do you like it?
me: yes thank you.
*goes home and cries*

Narrator: She did not like it.

Short Snappy Quote  Science

Light travels faster than sound.
this is why some people appear bright until they speak.
-steven wright


Short Funny Quotes  Period

Period: guess who’s back… back again…
me: ugh, can we not do this today?
period: i can come back in 9 months?
me: keep f*cking singing.

Do it your thing.

Snappy Funny Quotes  Filter

My body is a filter:
coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out.

Again, science.

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