27 Hilarious Snarky Quotes

If you think women are the weaker sex,
try pulling the blankets back to your side.

I’m holding a cup of coffee,
so yeah, i’m pretty busy.

A day without coffee is like…
just kidding. I have no idea.

Current relationship status:
made dinner for two.
ate both.

I like to finish other people’s sentences
because my version is better.

I’ve not lost my mind.
half of it just wandered off
and the other half went looking for it.

Roll me in fairydust
and call me a unicorn.

There should be one line at every store
for people who have their sh*t together.

Let’s be clear:
if you spend the time baking a cake/cookies/brownies,
you can eat as many as you want and the calories don’t count.
you made those calories.
you’re the boss of them.

My therapist told me that a great way
to get rid of my anger is to write letters
to the people i hate and then burn them.
i did that,
and now i don’t know what to do with the letters.

I’m not anti-social.
i have cable, internet, and a dog.
what else do i need?

United states of anxiety, am i right?

I know things
and you’re wrong.

The best feeling ever is love.
when you know, that you’ll have pizza for a dinner.

I want someone to look at me the way i look at a travel brochure.

Happy fri…
wait it’s thursday.
son of a …
carry on.

I got drunk last night and decided to do my own taxes
and now i’m getting back 4 million dollars this year!

We should start referring to “age” as “levels”,
so when you’re lvl 80, it sounds more bada**
than just being an old person.

Nobody says “wooooow”
longer than a guy who’s been accused of something he did.

It’s funny how six servings of fruit & veggies
seems impossible, but two bags of chips &
three bags of candy in one sitting is no challenge.
why am i like this?

My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

I want to vacation so long i forget all my passwords.

I don’t need an inspirational quote.
i need coffee.

I always imagine that brushing my daughter’s hair
would be a sweet moment of bonding,
but instead it sounds like someone is performing
an exorcism.

90% of parenting is thinking about when you can lie down again.

Do u ever get that sudden outburst of motivation
to go and make ur life better
then 5 mins ur like yeah that’s not happening.