7 Seriously Funny Jokes for Boomers

An elderly couple was flying to hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “ladies and gentlemen, i am afraid i have some very bad news.
our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
luckily, i see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives. ”
thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
an hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “honey, did we pay the car bill this month? ”
“no, sweetheart,” she responds.
still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “did we pay our credit card bill yet? ”
“oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“one last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month? ” he asks.
“oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “i didn’t send that one, either. ”
the husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “what was the hug for? ”
the husband answers, “they’ll find us! ”…

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘i almost had an affair with another woman. ’
the priest said, ‘what do you mean, almost? The man said, ‘well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then i stopped!
the priest said, rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five hail mary’s and put $50 in the poor box!
the man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
the priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘i saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!
the man replied, yeah, but i rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!

An old, blind marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
he finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of jack daniels.
after sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? ’
the bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
‘before you tell that joke i think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke? ’
no, cos i don’t wanna tell the joke 5 times.

John o’reilly hoisted his beer and said, “here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife! ”
that won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
he went home and told his wife, mary, “i won the prize for the best toast of the night. ” she said, “aye, john, what was your toast? ”
john said, “here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife. ” “oh, that is very nice indeed, john,” mary said.
the next day, mary ran into one of john’s toasting buddies on the street corner.
the man chuckled leeringly and said, “john won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, mary. ”
she said, “aye and i was a bit surprised myself! You know, he’s only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time i had to pull him by the ears to make him come”.

Bill, a middle aged man complains to his tennis buddy ted, that his arm hurts from playing tennis. Ted suggested that bill go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
“simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10. ”, said ted.
bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
the computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
after a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
you have tennis elbow.
soak your arm in warm water.
avoid heavy lifting.
it will be better in two weeks. ”
later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, bill began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
to top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
he went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
the computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
they aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
and if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. ”

Three women go down to mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
the first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “i am from grace university, and believe in the almighty power of god to intervene on the behalf of the innocent,” they throw the switch and nothing happens.
the mexican executioners immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
the second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “i am from the creighton school of law and i believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent. ” they throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
again, the mexican executioners immediately all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
the last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “well, i’m from the university of alabama, huntsville and just graduated with a degree in electrical engineering, and i’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in. ”????????????

A balding, white-haired man from sherman oaks in california, walked into a jewelry store in the local mall this past friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
he told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
the man said, ‘no, i’d like to see something more special. ’ at that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ’ here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said.
the lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘we’ll take it. ’ the jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘by check.
i know you need to make sure my check is good, so i’ll write it now and you can call the bank monday to verify the funds and i’ll pick up the ring monday afternoon. ’
on monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘there was only $25 in your account. ”
‘i know’, said the old man, ‘but let me tell you about my great weekend! ’
remember: not all seniors are senile…