22 Hilarious and Snarky Funny Quotes
Sometimes all you need is $500 million.
Or just $1 million.
You can’t handle my level of country music addiction.
Oh no.
[5*(5*5)]+[(42*30)+345]
yeah, i can definitely see how i can use this in life.
So useful.
That lazy moment when you start reading
someone’s facebook post but realize it’s too long…
so you just press “like”.
Like.
A wise man
once said nothing.
….
Body type: not terrible but definitely enjoys pasta.
Loves mac and cheese.
Not all goodbyes are sad.
example: goodbye, school.
Unless you’re a parent.
Let’s be together forever
so we’ll never have to redownload tinder.
Say goodbye to Tinder!
Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture.
-mario buatta
It is.
Someone sent me an email about using vodka
for cleaning around the house…
it worked!
the more vodka i drank,
the cleaner the house looked.
Magical!
Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.
Just moving it around..
Everyone wants to save the earth;
no one wants to help mom do the dishes.
They’re hard.
Childhood is like being drunk.
everyone remembers what you did, except you.
But they tell you about it a lot.
When i was a kid
“talk to the hand”
was the best defense i had.
The only defense, honestly.
When i was younger,
i used to sing a b c d e f g h i j k elemeno p.
wait i still do that.
That’s okay.
I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal,
you unfrosted weirdo.
Who doesn’t buy fun cereal!?
Today, i realized that the word “bed” actually looks like a bed.
Deep thoughts.
Shin. Bone /noun/:
a device used to find furniture in the dark.
Ouch. Yep.
Autocorrect
(n. ) what drunk people use to sound sober,
and what sober people use to sound drunk.
Autocorrect has many uses.
I am 99% angel, but oh that 1%…
She’s the wild one.
Wearing all black today to mourn
the death of my motivation.
Here it lies.
I accidentally sent my husband
the kissy face emoji instead of the angry face
& now he thinks i like him.
Dang it!
Drink water.
moisturize your skin.
create a fake instagram
to follow his ex girlfriend’s private account
and love yourself.
Self-care.
Just because trash can be recycled doesn’t mean
your ex deserves another chance.
Standards.