28 Really Funny Quotes
Hello darkness my old friend.
I’ve come to dye the gray again.
Goodbye you pesky things.
The biggest lie ever:
I have read and agree to the terms of use.
Oh totally, I totally did.
I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.
But let’s dream.
You can’t do epic sh*t with basic people.
So do epic things on your own!
Home is where the bra isn’t
Yessssss.
Dishes!
We meet again you dirty b*stards!
Why do you always come around?
A vodka please.
um, this is McDonald’s
OK, a McVodka, please.
Sounds reasonable.
I’m absolutely convinced the socks that go missing
from the dryer turn into extra Tupperware lids.
Where are they coming from?
Yes, I’m a mom,
but I still like to party.
And by party I mean binge on Netflix and take naps.
Party hard.
Happiness is a slice of pizza.
Mmm.
The perfect man;
definition:
An unknown creature available only in books and movies.
Figment.
Parenting:
is yelling “You just had a snack!”
over and over until you give in
and throw them another snack.
Give in at the beginning.
I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies,
which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods
such as fruits and vegetables
–Jarod Kintz
Moon Pies are a good pick!
You live, learn and upgrade.
Trade up.
There’s life without Facebook and Internet?
Really?
Send me the link.
Nah doesn’t exist.
Holding in all this sarcasm physically hurts.
Take a deep breath.
Hell is other people before breakfast.
Avoid.
So grateful for Facebook…
otherwise I would have to phone 428 people every night
to let them know I was ready for bed.
Or what I was eating!
You don’t see the sh*t I don’t post,
which sits in my folder titled
“I find this hilarious, but some uptight f*ckers won’t”
Save it for yourself.
The chill pill I took this morning appears to have been a placebo.
Isn’t working..
It’s got my name written all over it.
Well
not literally
but give me time and a crayon.
Coloring it up!
They need the challenge.
Lazy people fact #2347827309018287.
You were too lazy to read that number.
Admit it.
I hope life isn’t a joke,
because I don’t get it.
Nope.
Here’s to every mother who has ever eaten a
candy bar in a closet, because frankly
you just didn’t want to share.
Shout out.
…So my nutritionist said the more colorful the dish,
the healthier it is.
So healthy!
That feeling when you accidentally swallow a whole candy.
That good feeling?