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32 Sarcastic Quotes, Witty Quotes, or Just Funny Quotes

Sarcastic Quotes  Quote About Burning Calories Avoiding People

Just burned 2000 calories
trying to avoid someone i know at walmart.

Sarcastic quotes know no boundaries.

Sarcastic Quotes 2  A Sarcastic Quote About Thoughts Before Bed

Me: good night.
brain: pssst.
me: what?
brain: what diseases do you think we have?

Let’s think of every option.

Sarcastic Quote 3  Getting Old Sarcastic Quote About Memory

I’m never sure if i actually have free time
or if i just keep forgetting sh*t.

Yet another great example of getting old sarcastic quotes?

Witty Quotes 1  Witty Quotes When Not Invited

Listen, i still want to be invited
but i’m not coming.

Witty quote to use for people who cringe at social events.

Witty Quotes  Witty Quote About Being A Mom

I’m going to open up a bar called “mommin ain’t easy”
& name the drinks
“i need to shower”
“f*ck laundry”
“mom, mom, mommy, mom”
“i ain’t your maid”
“please stop growing”
& “why the hell is this wet?! ”

Some great ideas start from witty mom quotes!

Witty Quotes 2  Quote About Smartphones

I hope i never go to jail because
i haven’t memorized a phone number since 2001.

A getting old quote disguised as a witty quote.

Witty Quotes 3  Witty Quote About Getting Old While Parenting

I’m at the point in parenting where
“what did i just say?! ”
could either be a threat or a genuine question.

Parenting quotes meet OK Boomer quotes.

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Witty Quotes 4  Witty Quotes For Non Social People

You’d think i was wanted for murder
the way i react when someone knocks on my door…

Take the hint… Go away.

Just Funny Quotes  Funny Quote About Aging And Cartwheels

Did a cartwheel the other day,
thinking it was like riding a bike.
it’s not.


Sarcastic Quotes  Do What I Say But Not What I Do Quotes

I love it when i find myself screaming,
“stop screaming!!! ”
at my kids.
that’s how i teach them irony.

Sarcastic quotes that show the meaning of irony!

Witty Quote 5  Ikea Arguments

I hate when a couple argues in public
and i missed the beginning and don’t know whose side i’m on.

A soap opera moment at our favorite furniture store.

Witty Funny Quotes  Quotes About Spiders

Today’s interpretive dance was brought to you by
“there’s a spider on my shirt!!! ”
it will be followed by
“omg where did it go?! ”

Witty quotes meet arachnophobia?!

Witty Funny Quotes  Mix Up At The Store Quote

Had a bad mixup at the store today…
when the cashier said strip down facing me,
apparently she was referring to my credit card.


Witty Funny Quotes  Coffee Lover Quotes

Coffee is so confident.
it’s just a wet bean and it’s like,
“i’m worth $5. 75, and you need me, b*tch. ”
alyssa limperis

We do!

Just Funny Quotes  Quotes For Getting Old

Im’ at that age where my mind still thinks i’m 29,
my humor suggests i’m 12
while my body mostly keeps asking if i’m sure i’m not dead yet.

Getting old has its privileges.

Sarcastic Witty Quotes  Quotes For Cold Weather

How to dress for cold weather:
1. Take your pants off.
2. Get back into bed.

Good advice wrapped in a witty quote!

Sarcastic Quotes 6  Plastic Surgery Quotes

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
now you mention botox
and nobody raises an eyebrow.

The witty pun in this quote can take years off your life.

Sarcastic Puns  Electrician Quotes

People are usually shocked
when they find out i’m not a very good electrician.

And the witty pun above can end your life immediately…

Sarcastic Witty Pun 3  Getting Old Quotes

I asked my grandpa,
“after 65 years, you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. ”
what’s the secret? ”
he said,
“i forgot her name 5 years ago and i’m scared to ask her. ”

It’s better not to ask.

Funny Puns  Muscian Quotes With Puns

I started a band called 999 megabytes.
still haven’t gotten a gig.

Musician puns that hits the high note.

Witty Quotes 5  Geography Quotes

Did you know on the canary islands there’s not one canary?
and on the virgin isles?
same thing – not one canary there either!

Bet you didn’t expect that one!

Sarcastic Witty Quotes 4  Quotes For Older People

I get most of my exercise these days
from shaking my head in disbelief.

Sarcastic quotes that excuse you from working out.

Sarcastic Quotes 5  Sarcastic Quotes To Trick Mom

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that wtf means,
“wow that’s fantastic. ”
her texts are so much more fun now.

Entertainment for life.

Sarcastic Witty Quotes  Bar Jokes

I was drinking at a bar so i took bus home.
that may not seem like a big deal to you,
but i’ve never driven a bus before.

A big deal

Witty Parenting Quotes  Teaching Kids To Behave

I finally had “the talk” with my kids.
i told them how some animals eat their young,
so they better get their sh*t together before dinner.

Parenting quotes to live by.

Witty Quotes 6  Funny Mom Quotes

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago.
maybe i won’t be happy until someone loses an eye.
maybe that’s what’s been missing.

Sarcastic quotes that offers sage advice for finding happiness.

Witty Quote  Being Silly Quotes

I make myself laugh entirely too much
for a sane person.

Is that an example of sarcastic quotes or a psychological self realization?

Sarcastic Quotes 7  Two Faces Of Parenting Quotes

Me to my children: i would kill and die for you
also me to my children: i am not your maid
and will burn all the sh*t on your
bedroom floors in a massive bonfire
and dance around the flames in glory and rage.

Parenting is an art of perfecting these 2 sides.

Witty Quotes  Witty Parenting Quotes

My kids in the living room: i’m telling mom!
me from the kitchen: don’t come tell me sh*t!

She doesn’t wanna know!

Witty Quotes 6  Relationship Quotes

525 million dogs in the world
and you think i need you?

Sarcastic quotes to solve relationship struggles.

Sarcastic Witty Quotes  Sleep Quotes

Dear sleep…
i’m sorry we broke up this morning.
i want you back. Xoxoxo

A witty and funny quote for anyone who just needs sleep.

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