32 Sarcastic Quotes, Witty Quotes, or Just Funny Quotes

Just burned 2000 calories
trying to avoid someone i know at walmart.

Me: good night.
brain: pssst.
me: what?
brain: what diseases do you think we have?

I’m never sure if i actually have free time
or if i just keep forgetting sh*t.

Listen, i still want to be invited
but i’m not coming.

I’m going to open up a bar called “mommin ain’t easy”
& name the drinks
“i need to shower”
“f*ck laundry”
“mom, mom, mommy, mom”
“i ain’t your maid”
“please stop growing”
& “why the hell is this wet?! ”

I hope i never go to jail because
i haven’t memorized a phone number since 2001.

I’m at the point in parenting where
“what did i just say?! ”
could either be a threat or a genuine question.

You’d think i was wanted for murder
the way i react when someone knocks on my door…

Did a cartwheel the other day,
thinking it was like riding a bike.
it’s not.

I love it when i find myself screaming,
“stop screaming!!! ”
at my kids.
that’s how i teach them irony.

I hate when a couple argues in public
and i missed the beginning and don’t know whose side i’m on.

Today’s interpretive dance was brought to you by
“there’s a spider on my shirt!!! ”
it will be followed by
“omg where did it go?! ”

Had a bad mixup at the store today…
when the cashier said strip down facing me,
apparently she was referring to my credit card.

Coffee is so confident.
it’s just a wet bean and it’s like,
“i’m worth $5. 75, and you need me, b*tch. ”
–alyssa limperis

Im’ at that age where my mind still thinks i’m 29,
my humor suggests i’m 12
while my body mostly keeps asking if i’m sure i’m not dead yet.

How to dress for cold weather:
1. Take your pants off.
2. Get back into bed.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
now you mention botox
and nobody raises an eyebrow.

People are usually shocked
when they find out i’m not a very good electrician.

I asked my grandpa,
“after 65 years, you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. ”
what’s the secret? ”
he said,
“i forgot her name 5 years ago and i’m scared to ask her. ”

I started a band called 999 megabytes.
still haven’t gotten a gig.

Did you know on the canary islands there’s not one canary?
and on the virgin isles?
same thing – not one canary there either!

I get most of my exercise these days
from shaking my head in disbelief.

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that wtf means,
“wow that’s fantastic. ”
her texts are so much more fun now.

I was drinking at a bar so i took bus home.
that may not seem like a big deal to you,
but i’ve never driven a bus before.

I finally had “the talk” with my kids.
i told them how some animals eat their young,
so they better get their sh*t together before dinner.

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago.
maybe i won’t be happy until someone loses an eye.
maybe that’s what’s been missing.

I make myself laugh entirely too much
for a sane person.

Me to my children: i would kill and die for you
also me to my children: i am not your maid
and will burn all the sh*t on your
bedroom floors in a massive bonfire
and dance around the flames in glory and rage.

My kids in the living room: i’m telling mom!
me from the kitchen: don’t come tell me sh*t!

525 million dogs in the world
and you think i need you?

Dear sleep…
i’m sorry we broke up this morning.
i want you back. Xoxoxo