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Retirement jokes have one job: make the person leaving feel celebrated, not old. These 25 are all clean, all original and short enough to read off a card or drop into a two-minute speech. Most of them poke fun at the same three things every retiree knows: losing track of the days, guarding the nap, and discovering that a spouse has a list of jobs ready and waiting.

Pick two or three for a card, or string five together for a toast. Notes on using them in a speech are at the end.

25 Funny Retirement Jokes

The new schedule

  1. On my first day of retirement I set my alarm for 6 a.m., just so I could enjoy turning it off.
  2. My retirement plan has three parts: sleep in, nap, and tell people I’m busy.
  3. I asked my retired neighbor what he does all day. He said, “Mornings, nothing. Afternoons, I finish what I started in the morning.”
  4. In retirement, Monday is just Sunday with better TV.
  5. The hardest part of retirement is finding a reason to know what day it is.
  6. A busy week in retirement means two doctor’s appointments and a haircut.

Hobbies, naps and other hard work

  1. My wife said I need a hobby now that I’m retired. I told her I have one: I collect naps.
  2. Before retirement I worked eight hours a day. Now I work full time at doing nothing, and the overtime is incredible.
  3. Retired golfers don’t lose balls. They donate them to the woods.
  4. The secret to a long retirement: never agree to anything before your second cup of coffee.
  5. Retirement didn’t give me more free time. It gave my spouse more time to find jobs for me.
  6. I used to wake up to an alarm. Now I wake up to the dog, the mail carrier and my own bladder, in no particular order.

Leaving the office

  1. My boss asked what I’ll miss most about work. I said the paycheck and the free coffee, in that order.
  2. The office threw me a retirement party. Best meeting I ever went to: cake, and no agenda.
  3. My retirement speech was short: “Thanks, everyone. I’ll be at the lake. Don’t call.”
  4. People ask if I miss my commute. Only the part where I sat for an hour and nobody asked me for anything.
  5. Retirement is when you stop pretending to be busy and start bragging about it.
  6. A retired teacher can still silence a whole restaurant with one look.

Money, family and the big picture

  1. My financial advisor says I can retire comfortably. My wife says I can retire quietly. I’m aiming for one of the two.
  2. I told my grandkids I’m retired. They asked what I used to do. I said, “Wake up early.”
  3. Retirement gift idea: a calendar with every day marked Saturday.
  4. When you retire, you trade your job title for one nobody can take away: “the one who’s free on Tuesdays.”
  5. Retired doctors still hand out advice. They just stop sending the bill.
  6. The best thing about retirement is that “early” now means before ten.
  7. I’m not retired. I’m on a permanent coffee break with excellent benefits.

Short lines for a retirement card

  • Congratulations! Your new boss is the couch, and it’s very understanding.
  • Happy retirement. May every day feel like the Friday before a long weekend.
  • You’ve worked hard for this. Now work just as hard at doing nothing.
  • No more alarms, no more meetings, no more “per my last email.” Enjoy it.
  • Retirement looks good on you. Then again, so did leaving early on Fridays.

How to use these in a retirement speech

Open with a joke about the person’s old routine (numbers 1, 13 or 16 work well), then say something sincere about what they meant to the team, and close with a joke about what comes next (15, 21 or 25). Keep the jokes about time, naps and routine rather than age or health; that way the guest of honor laughs too. Two minutes is plenty. Everybody is waiting for the cake.

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