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Originally posted on January 10, 2018 @ 5:32 pm

29 Hilarious Quotes about Life You’re Dying to Read

me: Sorry I can’t come into work today, the stress is bad for the baby
my boss: what baby?
me: me.

This is one of our hilarious quotes about life that you probably don’t want to use at work.

me: “Why does everyone assume the worst of me?” Everyone: “It saves time.”

Everyone likes shortcuts right?

When your toddlers are teenagers,
don’t forget to wake them up at 4:45am
to tell them your socks came off.

Hilarious quotes about the circle of life.

It’s like no one in my family appreciates
that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.
-Mom

I wracked my brain for you.

I wish menus would list burpee equivalents rather than calories.
Like, if you have that latte or spoon of Nutella,
you might as well get down and do 463 burpees.

I’d feel motivated to eat more because it tells me I have the energy to do more burpees!

Spending my day looking for insurance is a great use of my time!
Said no one ever.

What a fun time adulting is.

My workout is reading in bed until my arms hurt.

And hopefully not dropping the book on my face.

You’re not really 30.
You’re 18 with 12 years of experience!

Hilarious quote about actual life experience.

Willpower
(noun)
Getting up in the morning.

Dictionary definition.

I’m convinced PINTEREST could teach me to build my dream house,
with nothing but foam wreaths,
wine bottles and a glue gun.

Have you wondered how come people on pinterest always seem to have so many wine corks lying around the house?

I workout because it’s good for me.
Also, because I like to eat. A lot.

Like, have you tasted food?

This woman runs on caffeine,
target & amazon prime.

Hilarious quotes about life meets Amazon memes.

I’m so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word I’m saying.

I trick myself.

Time Flies
(When you’re not on the treadmill)

It’s as Einstein says, time slows down when you’re moving.

The best part about being over 40
is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet!

There’s no documentation.

Cremation:
My last hope for a smoking hot body.

It beats hitting the gym 7 days a week…

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies
is the main reason I have trust issues.

Don’t be raisins, be chocolate.

I never thought I’d be the type of person
who would get up early in the morning to exercise.
I was right.

So right.

I suffer from that syndrome where
your neutral expression makes you look
like an angry serial killer…

It’s just my face, I promise.

You know you’re a stay at home mom
when your kids ask you where you’re going
when you put on jeans.

Are these “fancy jeans”?

Maybe she’s born with it,
Maybe it’s caffeine.

Hilarious quotes about life meets Maybelline Ad.

All men should make coffee for their women.
It says it right there in the bible:
Hebrews.

The 11th commandment: Hebrews!

Dear 11 year olds on Facebook with “It’s complicated”.
Seriously?
What did he do? Steal your animal crackers?

Beat you at animal crossing?

No one will ever be as entered by us as us!

We are very entertaining, yes.

If I die at Walmart,
please drag my body to Nordstrom.

No one needs to know I was at Walmart.

For the last time, I didn’t text you…
…Vodka did.

And what did vodka say?

I’m not emotionally equipped to deal
with the sound of a person chewing loudly.

It’s just too much.

Just sitting here on the corner of
Awesome and Bombdiggity.

No doubt.

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