26 Hilarious Funny Quotes You Won’t Stop Laughing At

I don’t mean to brag but…
i finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.

The new sponge in the sink just brightened my day.
being an adult is stupid.

Remember when teachers used to say:
“you won’t have a calculator everywhere you go! ”
well, we showed them.

I think my soulmate might be carbs.

My career plans were much more exciting when i was 5.

Chocolate
is the answer.
who cares what the question is.

Just once, i want a username and password prompt to say,
close enough.

I’m not really a control freak
but…
can i show you the right way to do that?

There’s no reason to tailgate me when i’m doing 50 in a 35.
and those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

Just because i’m smiling,
doesn’t mean i don’t want to hit you in the face.

I thought there was a spider on the rug…
but it was just yarn.
it’s dead yarn now, though.

I admit that my level of weirdness is above the national average,
but i’m comfortable with that.

I need to get in shape.
if i were murdered right now,
my chalk outline would be a circle.

I don’t know how to act my age.
i’ve never been this age before.

Next time someone asks you how much you weight..
tell them one hundred and sexy.

I pretty much spend all day,
every day,
just looking forward to going back to sleep.

I think it’s adorable how they’re putting jokes on the side of snacks now.
like listen to this one –
serving size: 3 cookies.

beer before liquor,
never been sicker.
toothpaste before orange juice,
dead.

If we’re ever in a situation where i am the
“voice of reason”
then we are in a very very bad situation.

I talk an awful lot of smack for someone
who tips over when putting on their underwear.

Answering your cell when you don’t recognize the number
is like picking up a hitchhiker.

I’m not fat, but i’m not thin either.
i’m at that point where you can definitely tell i like chocolate cake.

I was gonna take over the world this morning but i overslept.
postponed.
again.