10 Funny Poems About Getting Old – Humorous and Shareworthy
Getting old comes with a steady stream of notices: a grey hair, a mirror that suddenly lies, a staircase you climb for no reason you can remember. These ten short poems answer every one of them with a joke. Most take under a minute to read aloud, so they work in a birthday card, a retirement toast or a group chat with friends your own age. Under each poem you will find what makes it funny and who wrote it, when we know.
Today I faced what most I feared
my very first grey hair appeared
It stood out boldly in my hair
I couldn’t believe that it was there
I hated it, if truth be told it shouted to me, “Gee you’re old!”
I was not about to scream and shout
instead I pulled the sucker out.
The whole poem builds dread over one grey hair, and the solution is simply to pull it out. Anyone who has tried this knows how long that victory lasts.
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
you’re not playing fair at all
I’m really now upset with you
For giving your distorted view
You show my hair is turning gray,
It’s just the way the shadows play
I know that you’re not hanging straight
to make me look so over weight
The way you show a double chin
is just the way the light comes in
I thinkI’m fine, but you’re so wise
to put such accent on my thighs.
I wish you’d try to be my friend
and tell me I’m a little thin
Just tell me I look good in jeans
and frilly shirts and pretty things.
Please don’t let the wrinkles show
I’d like to have a pretty glow
I see you won’t respond at all
so I’ll just tear you off the wall.
Every line blames the mirror, the shadows or the crooked hook, never the years. The last line solves the problem the only way left: the mirror comes off the wall.
OMG, I’m rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the A**
Iron in the Arteries
And an inexhaustible supply of
Natural Gas.
I never thought I’d accumulate such wealth.
A list poem built on puns: every precious metal is really a health complaint, from silver hair and gold fillings to kidney stones and blood sugar. The last line lands best read out loud.
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
The opening lines of Warning, the 1961 poem by the English poet Jenny Joseph. The rest of the poem turns old age into a licence to misbehave, from brandy and satin sandals to picking other people’s flowers, and it later inspired the Red Hat Society. You can read the whole poem in Jenny Joseph’s Selected Poems.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles…
Please no bags
Please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots…
Please no gray
As for my belly…
Please take it away.
Keep me healthy…
Keep me young…
And Thank You Lord…
For all you’ve done!
A parody of the children’s bedtime prayer Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, with the soul swapped for a figure: no wrinkles, no bags, and a lift for whatever has started to sag.
Aches and pains are here to stay,
they seem to change day by day.
The list of ailments seem to grow,
as the body starts to slow.
You can’t be young,
weak or prissy
Getting old is not for sissies.
The punchline borrows the old line that getting old is not for sissies, a saying often credited to Bette Davis. Short enough to write inside a birthday card.
The Cat in the Hat on Aging
I cannot see,
I cannot pee,
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw.
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad – can you tell?
My body’s drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The GOLD YEARS CAN KISS MY A**!
– Author unknown (often credited to Dr. Seuss, but not his)
Written in the bouncy rhyme of a Dr. Seuss book, but not by Dr. Seuss: it has been passed around by email for years with no known author. The faster you read it, the funnier the complaints get.
Just a lone to say I’m living
That I’m not among the dead.
Though I’m getting more forgetful
And so mixed up in the head.
I got used to my arthritis
To my dentures I’m resigned.
I can manage my bifocals,
But, Oh God, I miss my mind.
For sometimes I can’t remember
When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
If I must go up for something
Or I just came down from there.
And before the fridge so often
My poor mind is filled with doubt.
Have I just put food away, or
Have I come to take some out?
And there’s times when it is darkened
With my night cap on my head.
I don’t know if I’m retiring.
Or just getting out of bed.
The staircase is the line people remember: standing at the bottom, unsure whether you just came down or still need to go up. The fridge verse is just as true.
Old age is golden so I’ve heard said,
But sometimes I wonder as I crawl into bed,
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
As sleep dims my vision I say to myself.
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
How do I know my youth is all spent?
My get up and go has got up and went
But in spite of it all I’m able to grin
And think of the places my get up has been.
Bedtime as a parts inventory: ears in a drawer, teeth in a cup, eyes on the table. My get up and go has got up and went is the line that gets quoted.
When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with each kid,
and bring so much happiness, just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided.
Returning each deed! Oh they’ll be so excited!!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids)
I’ll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
and I’ll bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilet and oh how they’ll shout
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids)
When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh they’ll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
and when that is done, I’ll hide under the bed!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids)
When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I’ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry, I’ll run if I’m able!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids) I’ll sit close to the TV, through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both eyes, just to see if they stick.
I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud till the end of the day!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids)
And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sign,
I’ll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, “She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”
A payback poem: every crime on the list is something the kids did to her when they were small. The last line flips the tired-parent sigh, so sweet when she is sleeping.
More for seniors
- 7 Funny Short Stories for Seniors (clean, two-minute stories to read aloud)
- 15 Funny Short Stories That Actually Make You Laugh
- 7 Seriously Funny Jokes for Boomers
- 18 Funny 30th Birthday Memes (for when getting old starts early)
- 30 Throwback Pics for the Older Audience